When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, my aunt told me that God was "testing me" or "had given me bipolar for a reason," whichever suited her mood at the time. Ok, whatever, I was still a Christian, at least nominally, at that point, and the thought that there was some higher purpose to my suffering was a comfort, albeit a small one.
The thing is... three years later, I realize that there isn't any sort of a higher purpose to it. It just happened. My suffering wasn't part of any deity's plan for my life; it was just a part of my life.
Some people, I say this to, they say my life must be so depressing because I view my suffering as just part of life; if there is no higher purpose for my life's dead-ends and speed bumps, what is the purpose of even trying?
It's rather simple, really -- I am who I am. My life is going to include what it includes. There is no higher plan for this outside of "I exist, here is the sum of everything leading up to my existence."
I don't see how people think living a life where you are the one who controls your destiny is depressing. It's quite freeing, really, to realize that the deaths around you, the diseases you suffer from, the disappointments in your life, aren't any sort of test you must pass or some lesson in humility or compassion or anything like that, and, as such, there is no right answer to the question of "How does God want me handle this?" because God doesn't care, there is no risk of failure. It's lovely.
Hello! I also have bipolar disorder and I'm now an atheist too! It IS very lovely to not have to think God gave me this disorder or anything like that. :) This church tried to heal me of it. I believed it at first, but I'm back on meds now. How long have you been diagnosed?
ReplyDeleteThree years ago, like I said in the post. I'm actually not on any meds right now, which is ... kinda strange for me.
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